


It's not technically body snatching if they weren't really dead in the first place!

by SiriusNebulae



Category: The Old Guard (Movie 2020)
Genre: Andy is still immortal, Booker used to be the baby, Crack Treated Seriously, Found Family, Fullf, Gen, Humor, Immortal gay dads, Nile is new group baby, Schmoop, booker still in the group, gotta break Joe out of the morgue, group escapades, mentions of dead bodies/body disposal in history, morgue reference, no one actually dies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-17
Updated: 2020-07-17
Packaged: 2021-03-05 04:53:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,195
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25338676
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SiriusNebulae/pseuds/SiriusNebulae
Summary: "C'mon, we gotta go break Joe out of the morgue again.""I thought you just said this happens once or twice a century! How can it be his second time this year??""Eh, you know Joe."The group has to break Joe out of the morgue again after he had to play dead. Started off cracky, but became fluff, found family, and Nile appreciation!
Relationships: Joe | Yusuf Al-Kaysani/Nicky | Nicolò di Genova, Nile & The Group
Comments: 94
Kudos: 1435





	It's not technically body snatching if they weren't really dead in the first place!

**Author's Note:**

> I hope everyone likes this! I had a fantastic time writing it, and it helped me figure out their characters a bit more.
> 
> Body snatching is the legal term for stealing bodies illegally in the UK and US. IDK if Joe would truly be able to get away with this, but that doesn't really matter here.

"C'mon, grab your shit." Andy says gruffly, already striding past Nile.

"What happened? Do we have a job?" 

"Nope." 

Knowing she won't get a better answer out of Andy, she grabs her bag and follows. The streets are empty this early in the morning, their car is the only one on the road. 

"Wait, where's Joe?" 

"That's where we're going." Andy gets into the car with Booker and Nicky. Nile follows, and before she knows it, their driving off. 

"Is he in trouble?" 

Booker snorts, always amused at Andy's short replies and Nile's usual irritation with them. "If anything, he's relaxing right now." 

"It's his fault this time," Nicky says easily, before looking at Nile with a gentle smile. "We're going to break him out of the morgue." 

Andy chimes in over Nile's stunned silence. "It happens every once in a while." She waves lazily, as if this was a normal occurrence. "Problem with being immortal." 

"Any time you die in public," Booker adds, barely noticing as the car takes a corner too fast. "You either have to wake up quickly, or try and play dead to escape."

"...how many times have you broken someone out of the morgue?" Nile asks, already knowing the answer will be ridiculous. Trust the group to lead interesting lives, but, she already knew that. Her introduction and first weeks with them proved that her life would never be boring again. "Like, does this happen often to you guys?"

"Eh, maybe once or twice a century?" Though Andy had waited for everyone to strap in, she isn't wearing her seat belt as she drives. Again, Nile thinks that though they are immortal, it doesn't mean you can't feel pain, but she thinks Andy might have a thing for punishment. Her and Booker both. "Depends on your definition of morgue."

"What does that mean?"

Andy shrugs before Nicky chimes in from the back absently, more occupied by the large amounts of money passing between him and Booker. "The concept of a 'morgue' as you know it didn't exist until about 1866. Before that, keeping bodies cold and preserved was very difficult. So people were buried or cremated quickly after death in most cases."

"Give me five!" Calls Andy from the front, shoving her wallet behind her without looking away from the road. "I'm going for nude, locked in, and a flirty line." 

Nicky smiles. "A good bet, Andy. Would you like in Nile?"

"Umm, no." Nile says, eyeing the large stack of bills in his hands. She knew better than to place a bet for situations she knew nothing about- it's the reason why Booker's wallet is a bit bigger at the moment. "Not this time." 

* * *

Stepping into the bright and cold hallways, they immediately stand out in their dark clothes. That doesn't stop them from casually walking the halls, familiarity guiding their steps.

"This is the second time this year for Joe," Booker whispers at her side.

"I thought you said this only happens once or twice a century?" 

Booker chuckles, the daily contradictions in their life annoys Nile to no end. "The forensic team is very good this decade, and Joe likes to have fun. Especially with Nicky." 

Before she can ask, they stop at a door with a small inlaid window, Andy already looking through with Nicky.

"All clear; Booker stand guard." Andy opens the door, trusting Booker to watch their backs. They spread out, reading the tags in search of a John Doe or one of Joe's aliases he carries around. 

Barely three minutes have passed before Andy speaks up. 

"Here." Andy smirks as they join her outside the small freezer door. Nile doesn't comment on how cold Joe must be after spending hours in there. "The honor is yours, Nicky."

Sighing, Nicky grabs the handle and pulls, tray with Joe's body following smoothly. Nicky raises an eyebrow at Joe's still body, covered only with a small blanket at the waist. 

Joe slowly opens his eyes, immediately seeing Nicky and smirking. "Hey babe. Like what you see?" 

"How was your forensic kidnapping?" 

"Oh, you know," Joe smiles, sitting up and swinging his feet over the edge. "Sharla was very nice, though I think Robert got a bit handsy with me at the end." 

"And I suppose you had no involvement in that?" 

"Nicky!" Joe gasps, hand flying to his chest. The act was undermined by the fact he was still almost completely naked and sitting on a morgue tray. "Are you asking me if I purposely rolled near his hands when they were perfectly near my posterior?" 

Andy starts laughing under her breath, pulling Joe's clothes out of her backpack. She tosses them. "Put 'em on, Casanova."

Nicky fondly runs his hands through Joe's hair, eyes searching over his body to reassure himself that Joe was fine. Even though Joe is up and joking, the look in Nicky's eyes doesn't go away until Joe softly grabs his hand in his. "I'm sure you were quiet the gentleman, a very polite corpse."

"Only for you, babe." Joe winks before standing and starting to put on the clothes. 

Nile smiles at them, still amused and in awe of their relationship and love for each other. Like the men, Nile got along with both differently. Joe is always happy to joke around with her and show her unknown sights, and Nile finds that she needs that often to cope with the reality of being immortal for possibly thousands of years. With Nicky, she finds quiet reassurance and philosophical talks in abundance. He always seemed to know how to ease Nile when even she didn't, when she needs a calming presence who will never judge her. Together, she can see how both men act and think as one. Joe becomes thoughtful and grounded, and Nicky jokes and lowers his guard more, trusting Joe to be there.

Andy has already started perusing the rest of the coolers, giving them a moment alone. Though not obvious, their time apart with Joe in the morgue made them understandably nervous. Nile turns around as well, feigning interest in the freezers and floor.

"Time to wrap it up, boys," Andy says from beside the door, gun already out. If nothing else, Andy was always prepared. "Gotta go."

"Got it, boss." Joe kisses Nicky's cheek. All that remains is the discarded blanket and the open freezer door. 

* * *

"Won't that raise some questions? Like where the body went?" Nile asks as they walk out of the building, sun barely peeking over the horizon. 

"Eh," Booker waves a hand. "Depends. For a John Doe? Not usually, normally just the morgue freaks out, but it gets dropped in a few weeks when they can't find anything." 

"Besides," Nicky adds, holding open the car door for Nile and Joe to get in. "He wasn't logged in the system yet, not until morning shift." 

"A princess must return from the ball," Joe bats his eyelashes exaggeratedly at them. 

"If anything, you're a vampire. Sexy and dead." Booker jokes from the front. When he chooses to employ it, Booker's sense of humor was enough to get the whole group laughing. Nile loved the warmth in his eyes when that happened, knowing his need to feel close to their family.

Laughing along with the group, Nile can barely make out Joe's affronted scoff as Nicky leans close to him in support even while laughing. When the laughs peter out, Nile raises the question that's been on her mind. 

"What was the bet?" 

Andy snorts, a small satisfied smile on her face. "The usual body snatchers bet. Dress, location, first words." 

"We used to have how long it takes to escape yourself," Booker adds, turning to look at Nile. "But that was very hard during the 1800s, with the rampant real body snatchers and the theft-prevention ideas people came up with." 

Nicky laughs from under Joe's arm. "My favorite were the mortsafes, those were truly inspiring."

"I don't know," Joe smiles at Nicky. "I really liked the being tied in the coffins." 

Booker snorts. "Even when you were tied to me?"

" _Especially_ when tied to you." Joe winks. 

" _Anyways,_ " Nicky shoves Joe. "Andy won the bet, all $1,225. Good job, Andy."

Andy pumps her fist in the air before reaching behind to grab the stack of dollars Nicky holds out. She grins and shoves the money in her back pocket while Booker looks on with amusement. If Nicky and Joe were a unified team, Andy and Booker had the same potential, but platonically. Their sense of abandonment, isolation, and guilt made them able to relate to each other, but that wasn't truly the connection. What linked them was their drive to do better, to believe in each other and keep striving to help wherever possible. 

"What was your bet, Andy?" Joe asks from the back. 

Laughing, Booker looks turns around. "She bet that you would be nude, locked in, and would flirt with Nicky right away."

Nicky knows the smile on his face is indulgent as he presses a kiss to Joe's cheek. "He's a romantic at heart. We'd only been apart hours."

"And I missed you every minute." 

* * *

Once they are back home and sitting around the table drinking coffee, the sky is starting to lighten and shine through the curtains. Andy leans back in her seat, coffee mug held to her chest. Booker's eyes are closed, a happy smile on his face, mug in hand. Nicky and Joe quietly murmur from their one seat, sharing a mug between the both of them casually. Nile sits back in her chair, sliding her mug from hand to hand in thought, trying to figure out her question. 

Looking around the table, her family basks in the dawn sunlight. Like cats, everyone is content to rest in the sun quietly. Nile weighs the want to continue just relaxing with her curiosity. What it comes down to is her knowledge that no one in the group will ever tease her for her questions. Though they might tease her about being the baby of the group, they always answer her questions happily and encourage her to ask more. With this in mind, she leans forward.

"How did you guys even know Joe was in the morgue? How did you know he wasn't just doing his own thing?" 

Snorting, Andy raises an eyebrow with her eyes still closed. "Besides him not being with Nicky?" 

Nile concedes with a smile. "Okay, then how do you know when anyone else is in the morgue or needs a break out?"

"Just like when we know when one of us needs help, we know where and when we were supposed to be somewhere. If that doesn't happen," Booker shrugs. "We know something went wrong somewhere."

Nicky speaks up from Joe's side. "The presence of forensics is usually a tip off."

"So is the lack of blood and bodies," Andy smirks. "You learn to be able to tell. Besides, Joe is frequently the one who we have to break out." 

Joe just smiles nostalgically, not protesting the accusation. "What can I say? I like a good relaxation from time to time."

Booker snorts. "Of course, your constant chattering was very relaxing in the small coffin."

"Talking about Nicky always relaxes me." 

Shaking his head, Booker just smiles in exasperation. Never let it be said that everyone in the group wasn't made for each other. They all liked to poke fun at Nicky and Joe's devotion, and knew that they truly didn't mind it, playing it up at times when in need of a laugh. 

"One day," Andy says, looking directly at Nile. "When we're drunk enough, they can regale you with the many tales of our body snatching escapades. You'll get the blackmail you need to be even with the rest of us."

Looking around the table, looking at her family, Nile smiled. When she first became part of the group, she had known that everyone would go down fighting for her, just like she would for them. Ever since, they've become even closer. She and Andy would train together, and when the skies got dark, sometimes Andy would tell her stories from her early centuries. Nile knew that the group probably didn't know the stories, that Andy trusted her with them because she was so new to immortality, had no preconceived ideas about how to live this life. Booker and her would go out and people watch, would make up stories about them, some ending happily, some sad with end being death. But each time, they threw in dreams of their own, built up hopes of their own through the many people that passed. Joe and Nicky were always there for her, like they knew that she felt isolated being so new, knowing so little about the group. She always smiles when they whisper about Andy and Booker, about the group's past. Even just "this city was beautiful in 1654, should've seen the markets," never failed to make her feel included. 

"I would enjoy that," Nile smiles at Andy before turning to the rest of the group. "I would like that a lot." 

**Author's Note:**

> Please leave a comment or kudos if you enjoyed! LMK if you have any other funny situations you would like to see.
> 
> My tumblr is under the same name, but it's still pretty new. DM me if you want :)


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